How My Attempt To Enter The Film Industry Changed Me

My life today is a YouTube cliché. The “slow life” trend in sweet pink filters and afternoon drenched videos is the life I lead – fortunately or unfortunately. The slow life girls on YouTube with linen dresses, messy ponytails in floral scrunchies, who sit on plush chairs holding their handpainted coffee cups are but a derivative of me. Their cosy days are further etched with Moroccan lamps and Etsy paintings. Mine are accented with SSF lamps and Temu paintings. I do wonder if these soft lifers are living truthfully in their journaling and quiet days or merely performing to sell views?

Minus the linen dress, I’m an honorary recipient of this genteel routine. I see my life played in various versions all over the world through YouTube universe. Sometimes it’s a cottage in Yorkshire, a condo in Tokyo, a tiny house Down Under or an old refurbished home in South Carolina. Then there’s me in a link house in Petaling Jaya. Should I be happy that lazy days are now the new hustle? Weeehooooo!

I have slow mornings, I sip coffee, I have a dog, a cosy home, I make meals for myself, I count calories. I work on my laptop and do Pilates when my shoulder allows. I have friends who drop by and I visit restaurants on occasion. I use phthalate-free products because they (phthalates) are a health menace and I love decluttering. There are no days in traffic and corporate offices. I lead a quiet life where Netflix and doing up my home are my favourite pastimes.

There is no hustle, no Leila Hormozi badassery, no ambition and no chase for big shiny objects.

I am grateful for this little life of comfort.

Am I contented? Absolutely not.

I was the opposite of a slow lifer just 5 years ago. Let’s start from the beginning.

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Once upon a time, there lived a little entrepreneur…

 Right before Covid hit, I was running a school program I founded and funding local dramas and telemovies. One offered me a higher meaning. the other, the financial wherewithal. I was always on the phone making a deal, writing proposals, meeting clients and coordinating a project with various moving parts. As a little entrepreneur who had been running a writing and publicities side hustle for years prior, I loved the idea of business, making money and achieving goals.

Through my writing & publicities business, I came across a friend who was involved in the film industry. He asked if I was interested to fund a magazine series on RTM. The money was good and it sounded like fun. I said yes and that’s how my initiation into the film industry began.

Soon I was funding producers who needed an advance in cash for dramas. I developed friendships, got to know more about the industry and got brand new experiences. I was an anomaly as I was a Chinese girl in a sea of Malay men, and that may have artificially boosted the appeal. After several months of minor involvement, I decided I wanted to get into the industry. I decided it would be my next goal to write an amazing script and produce a movie. Nevermind that I was jumping into something totally foreign. I was determined and highly motivated.

I Went All Out!

And so I did all I could to catch up. I read books, I wrote script, I watched countless drama series. I dissected movies and series minute by minute to learn storytelling and to recreate a whole script. I would write the beats of an entire episode (Ozark for example) from pausing and playing over and over again. I did this to the point I became confident I could do it myself. When I went to NYC for vacay, I made sure to book writing and screenwriting classes.

Prior to this, I never watched local films. But suddenly I was queuing up for every Malay, Chinese and Tamil film at the cinema. I even watched RTM movies from YouTube to suss out the standards of current TV products. It surprised me that many seasoned players weren’t doing what I was doing. I had thought that knowing your competition was important but the film industry players around me (whether it was a director, or crew) found it unproductive. Nevertheless, I was soon writing reviews, discussing movies post-cinema with my industry friends and enjoying it thoroughly.

However, it wasn’t long before a grimmer side emerged. Many people in the industry were financially-strapped. I noticed that someone was always in need of money and borrowing from someone. When even a big-named director with many projects needed to borrow money, I began to wonder at the stability of the industry. Perhaps what was most disturbing were the films itself. I found it hard to stay engaged with the majority of our local films. To put it plainly, they were dull. The movies were not interested in storytelling; they instead wanted to preach and send lofty messages. While I am merely quoting from anecdotal observation, it became clear to me that the majority of people who made local films were not readers. They thought they did though and the results were clunky executions of made-up wisdom and a hollow substance that imposed uncomfortably.

Further, there seemed to be no concept of character at all. There was only caricature or indulgent autobiographies. Everyone was so clearly performing or over-acting. Actors who could ugly-cry or breathe heavily with constipation were praised as having stellar acting skills. I scratched my head utterly puzzled.

Despite all this, I was deadset on pursuing this industry. The optimist in me saw a gap for someone like me – so utterly passionate about storytelling and bringing a character to life. There was never any doubt in what I was doing and I forged on enthusiastically and happily.

I pursued all avenues and eagerly seeked opportunities. I pummeled my way through and made calls. I wrote proposals, came up with original stories, finished scripts, rallied whoever I was teaming up with. I made contact and applied for pitching to RTM, TV3, Astro Awani and FINAS.

I was called for pitching and came thoroughly prepared. I was the most dressed up with a prepared speech. While everyone was bantering and networking, I would be in a corner going through my notes, to nervous to chat. But as well as I thought I did, I clearly wasn’t.

The Disappointments Started

The first time I failed to win a project, I experienced a grief that surprised me. But I wasn’t deterred, I did not take it personally as the grapevine informed that my story and director were a mis-match. I made more calls, refined my technique and found ways to pitch my project more successfully.

In 2021, I was again called for pitching by FINAS. This time I was selected. My story “500 Pieces of My Life” was given a RM500,000 grant. I should have been so happy but I was also aware that the grant wasn’t sufficient to make a film. I needed to quickly raise another RM1.5 million. The team I had put together suddenly started making financial demands. I began facing internal problems before the project even started. I was the only one with urgency in my team and I went all out to secure sponsorship, even landing myself in the Perak Chief Minister’s office and Perak Tourism. I had many meetings which took so much work to arrange but ended up with nothing.

I never got to start this project. My biggest mistake was working with the wrong people due to my inexperience. FINAS called me months later to inform that my grant was void. Why? Because my imbecile team mate had failed to return the form confirming our acceptance of the grant. Therefore – no project.

I was frustrated, tired and burnt out. My friends began saying “I actually knew your team was subpar but I didn’t want to say anything. It’s not nice.” “Why did you allow me to work with them if you knew they were bad?” I shot back. These people have an over-emphasis on jaga hati and mistake telling a necessary painful truth as mengumpat. They think they are doing the work of God by not telling me pertinent information. “Tak baik mengata orang.” Yet it’s okay to see me lose a project after putting months into it. I’m biting my tongue.

Teaming my bright-eyed enthusiasm with an inferior team killed much of my good energy.

Still, I was going to make it happen. I decided to pitch for the Mandarin drama series category with RTM thinking I stood a better chance. I spend the next few months painstakingly watching Taiwan dramas to learn the language. I filled up a whole notebook with Mandarin words and pinyin, and revised every day. My vocabulary improved tenfold.

I prepared like a maniac for pitching, found myself a better team mate and pitched for my life. I thought I did well and walked out feeling great.  The panelists were all smiles and the banter was encouraging. I waited with bated breath for the results, going through days of anxiety only to get yet another rejection. This time the disappointment became a bit too much to bear. After getting the call, I stopped my car by the side of the road to bawl the cold reality of yet another failure.

My good feelings were fast waning and my language had begun to change. I began to sound like all the tired and frustrated failed filmmakers/ directors in the country. The only difference was that I never even created anything, they at least had some glory days to mournfully reminisce upon.

In 2023 I was called for another pitching by FINAS. I was half-hearted at this juncture but still, I did everything. I wrote out the beats to the film, I practiced my pitch like I was presenting for Shark Tank. I even compromised and work with another experienced writer, something I never would have done prior because I didn’t have confidence in our local writing. The presentation was flawless and everyone walked out feeling amazing. And then 2 months later when the results came out…………..I decided this was it. I could not do it anymore.

I didn’t get it.

Battlescars

There’s just so many hits a person can take. Friends were disappointed when I said I was done. They said I should try again, that I shouldn’t give up. My entire personality had been so enmeshed with the film industry in the last 3 years that they couldn’t imagine me doing something else.

But giving up has to be strategic. When a man pursues a woman and is repeatedly snubbed, he’s not being a loser to walk away. He’s being smart. He’s doing the right thing. He realizes she’s not his match and he puts his time and energy in someone else. The same thing applies here. Repeatedly attempting to chummy up with the industry when it has given me enough signs it isn’t interested is foolhardy. I was walking away before I got even more wounded. Some may say I gave up too soon. But I disagree. You don’t have to be a martyr and get hit 50 times. Not everyone is a JK Rowling in making.

I had gone all out with nothing to show after 3 years. Sure. rejection is a part of life but there has got to be some wins in between. When there is none, that’s information. Further, the absence of guidance had led me to waste a lot of time going down wrong paths. When I was given advice, the quality of advice given was poor and served with self-interest. Unfortunately, it’s always only clear in hindsight.

The 3 years attempting to claw my way into this fortress of an industry diminished my light significantly. When you get too many days of things not going your way, too many months of no achievement; it affects your entire spirit. I became a lot “slower” in the sense where I lost my spark to hustle, lost my energy, lost the interest to find opportunities and dare I say it, became a little jaded. Is it any wonder now that the slow life organically became part of my life.

Still, I have enough wisdom to know that no one owes me anything. There are a hundred other disgruntled producers and directors out there with bigger rejection stories than mine. I may be perceived as a whining brat to some. But we all have our stories.

For a while I was angry and envious. I would watch new local film releases, scoff at the script, the storytelling and wonder how these people could have gotten a grant.

But the truth is I didn’t deserve it. I did not have the experience. Most companies who got projects had been in the industry for a long time. Even if they were new to filmmaking, they had been in video production and videography for years. That counts for something because network, opportunities and information are affiliates of industry familiarity. It also means competence to execute. I was a transplant with zero experience who had her head in the clouds. Only in movies does the bright-eyed newbie win at the end of the day, waving to the crowd in her polkadot sun dress. In reality, the newbie flounders and is left far behind.

One year later

I was scrolling on Facebook when I saw an interesting post. A producer was in trouble because he owed much of his crew and funders money. Comments piled and soon many were sharing their own bad experiences of not being paid despite working long hours to the end. Suddenly producers became the most hunted in film wilderness. A crew friend told me he had yet to receive his fee after to years. Yet the director showed up to the premier fawning for the cameras while trying to avoid him.

With popcorn in my chubby cheeks, I saw that my not getting a project was God/ Universe’s way of protecting me. While I was Level 10 with passion and eagerness, packed with theory and knowledge; I had zero practical experience or financial management on that scale. Had I actually been given a project, I would have screwed it up. I didn’t know enough of the running of a production to make myself a decent film and could have easily gotten myself into debt. Even if I outsourced it to an experienced producer and team at that time, differing visions would have put us at siege. What was I thinking seriously?

The stories about producers who end up bankrupt, stressed-to-the-core and humiliated when they could not carry out their project to fruition were commonplace. Movie tickets tanked and reviews were scathing. In hindsight, losing the “500 Pieces of My Life” grant was the Universe’s way of protecting me. I think back of each project I never got and begin to see the missing pieces. Some may say I’m trying to make myself feel better. But I am now absolutely convicted it was a blessing.

It's crystal clear today.

How to move on?

I was getting worried as I had not been getting an income for so long. I made up my mind to get into Syndication, the less popular arm of the film industry – a buy and sell process. It would help me take care of the bills and survival stress. The Syndication process involved a tender application that didn’t require any work beyond using a reliable distributor and submission. I did that.

But after that I had nothing to do.

I began looking around with frantic eyes. For the first in my life, I had no work. The film industry is marked with a lot of downtime where all you do is spend a lot of days at home just waiting and preparing for the next pitch. But you always know you’re working toward something - the next pitch, the next project, the next story.

Suddenly I had nothing. My frantic energy must have sent ripples and jagged vibrations across the universe because one month later, I found my next gig. A Jakarta businessman who owned an athleisure brand was looking for a Malaysian partner. Despite my gut saying no, I went ahead. I took it because I desperately needed a new career to fill this void.

Needless to say, it was a mistake. Making decisions in this state leads to terrible choices. Again, I had no experience, no guidance and made mistakes at every turn. Writing it down does make me see what an idiot I was. If you’re shaking your head, I’m with you.  It was a terrible rebound. Much like the girl who breaks up and latches on to the first boy to show an interest, so to I who jumped on to the first “business opportunity.” It’s funny how you can convince yourself you like it. Many of us are in denial without even realizing it. We need to self-check. Don’t spend too much time on the wrong horse. Jump off fast!

I spend 1.5 years going through this unpleasant dredge before I finally pulled myself out.

I became a slow lifer

Healing comes from talking. Trauma stays when you never process. While the word trauma may sound inflated, trauma is essentially hurt in life. All of us have traumas whether from childhood, relationships or work, depending where yours are. I didn’t realise how much my trauma affected me, until I started reflecting deeply.

I am in slow life mode as a result of what I went through. The failed film days took away a lot of my drive and energy.  Although it’s an insult to say, I feel like a solider just returned from battle. I don’t quite have the luster I used too and working hard has become harder. My ideas of success have also changed. I am 100% invested in the idea that you need luck and good timing to really take off. Without it, your hard work and drive will remain just that. It’s also extremely difficult to attract good opportunities when you’re not feeling great. I do have more wisdom and humility now.

I think of my time in the past where I worked hard on my writing & publicities business - seeing clients, galvanizing a team. Or when I was running my school program where I met politicians to secure projects, made connections with celebrities and athletes ……………. I don’t have the mental fortitude to do all that now. It’s not an age thing. It’s a challenging life experience thing.

I won’t forget the night my big moment of clarity arrived. I had just done a minor surgery on my shoulder and I had awakened after hours of grogginess from anesthesia. It was probably 4am seated in darkness on my bed that I for the first time, really processed my feelings and came to all the realisations I write here now.

It was that night that I knew with a burning sureness to give up the athleisure brand. Why in the world was I doing it when I hated it? Why was I continuing when I knew this was not a money-making venture? What was I trying to prove? It was suddenly so clear that I had to let it go. That I had taken it as film industry rebound. It was time to breakup! I felt a huge burden off my shoulders and an all-around peace instantly. That night felt spiritual. I slept with a calmness that had long evaded me.

With the burden gone, my survival mode switched off. My body cooled and I was able to look back and see my mistakes clearly.  After that I started feeling the beginnings of optimism. something I had completely forgotten. I was happier than I had ever been in the last 4 years. Had I not truly processed and reflected, I would still be operating in survival mode, not realizing why I was doing the things I was doing.

It was time to start a fresh new chapter…

I started watching a lot of Leila Hormozi on YouTube. She was instrumental in giving me encouragement and direction in this new chapter of my life. I don’t have the fire I used too (it’s early days), but I’m more motivated and alive. There are days when I think of what I used to be and feel a twinge, and I do wonder if I would ever feel a sense of achievement again.

But then I know I’m just being a victim. As Leila says, “Things don’t happen to you. They happen because of you. And if you can own that, you are unstoppable.” I absolutely love that.

I have bad habits I’m trying to shed. I’m a lot more relaxed now and it’s harder to go go go. Me writing this article is my attempt to get back to being disciplined. So I’m doing slow hustling,( yes I pseudo-coined that term for myself.) I give myself small goals and big rewards – 2 hours of working on small projects and many more hours of eating and watching Netflix after. Do not emulate me for goodness’ sake.

I’m extremely careful about the next venture I go into and have been watching a lot of productive content and educating myself on a few fronts. I’m 100% using my gut as a guide. Anything which speaks to my spirit is something I will pursue.

I have nothing to report that’s worthy of a satisfying movie ending. The heroine is still slow grinding away. I’m working on a few small things though. I recently wrote a manual for people who lost their jobs. That was a start and doing it did rebuilt some tiny circuits of confidence in me. Ironic how I wrote something to make people feel better. Perhaps subconsciously I was in need of something like that for myself.

So yes my friends, I am leading that cliché slow life now. I have my languid coffee mornings, I spend too much time in the kitchen, and when it rains I snuggle up on my sofa with snacks and Netflix.

I was in a bit of a rainy season, and for awhile I was damp, wilted and sad.

I lost my leaves, my colours and my petal smile.

But the sun is here and it’s time to come out and play.

So let’s play :)